“When we were locked outside during the summer, NM would often refuse to answer knocks on the door to come inside for heat relief or to use the bathroom. I had to squat in the corner of the backyard and pee. With no other options, I had to direct Bill to do the same…one of those times, a neighbor girl saw him.” –Tracy
Tracy was often reminded by NM that she got in the way of Bill’s comfort even as a toddler. For the first several months of his life, he had to sleep in a playpen. This was in a small basement apartment, so it’s possible there wasn’t enough room for two cribs. NM would tell Tracy, “Poor Bill had a hard time of it as a newborn. He had to sleep in a playpen because you weren’t ready to leave your crib at 2 1/2 years old. You ignored him for the first one or two months after he was born.” This is a version of victimization conditioning used as an offensive abusive tactic. Constantly reminding a scapegoat of the wrongs supposedly done before they were old enough to know better instills a compulsion to give in to the wants of an abuser in a desire for acceptance and forgiveness.
So according to the NM narrative by this point, we have a 2-year-old toddler who thinks she’s better than her mother and obstructs and resents her brother for existing. Of course it’s not reasonable to come to these conclusions and hold them over your child from youth to adulthood, but Malignant Narcissists don’t see it that way. Within The Family Structure, they will carefully compile twisted “facts,” failings and resentments to be used against any other Family member below them in rank for constant mind conditioning to achieve the desired outcome–control.
NM would often boast that although Tracy didn’t take to breastfeeding, Bill would “drain both breasts and need a bottle afterward.” This claim was made despite his being somewhat tongue-tied, which will often lead to feeding difficulties. Tracy concluded NM was lying about Bill’s infant feedings as a way to build him up and put her down as being difficult. After experiencing breastfeeding with her own children, she decided NM would have never been able to employ the patience and nurturing instinct to sit and breastfeed a baby, especially one with likely latching issues. Tracy was resistant and rejected her and Matt had to be on formula because he was in the NICU for a long time, but Bill was the shining star child who loved mommy’s milk so much and made her feel so proud as a baby.
This also brings the issue of healthy boundaries into the discussion. There is nothing wrong with being honest and open about the mothering process, but to constantly remind children from childhood to adulthood that they or others loved breastfeeding leaps over the line of TMI and creepiness. At this point, it should be stated that I don’t believe all Malignant Narcissists are the same. There are different obsessions which drive Ns, and not all have a sexual component, but it’s possible that any abusers who are obsessed with objects of sexual attention and nature may have been sexually molested or abused as children and are passing that trauma down to the next generation instead of trying to break the cycle. I believe it is a conscious decision between trying to drag others down into the twisted psyche they’ve been left with or trying to raise themselves up and make sure that what happened to them never happens to their children or others.
Perhaps this is why NM locked her kids outside while a NF-suspected pervert lived next door, just over a short wall. Tracy has stated she was always uncomfortable when the neighbor was outside due to his attentions. Was NM hoping something would happen to her daughter? An important note: NF never knew NM left the kids outside because they were too scared to tell him. This indicates the children knew NM was the real Head of the Family and had to deal with the knowledge that she would punish them for “telling,” along with the possibility NF wouldn’t have done anything about it anyway.
For multiple summers Tracy would be left in charge of her brothers outside in the backyard of the apartment building. Bill was almost 2 1/2 years younger than her and Matt was 6 years younger. They were sent outside for hours at a time to ‘play.’ Tracy and her brothers didn’t want to be outside all the time, so she would try to come inside. The door would often be locked with no response if she knocked or whined to be let inside. On the occasions where the back apartment door was unlocked, NM would scream at her and tell her to get outside and watch the boys. The door would then be locked. If the kids wanted to get out of the sun Tracy would bring her brothers into the stairwell outside their apartment and play there. If noise could be heard from inside the apartment, NM would fly out in a rage and scream at them to go outside. She didn’t care if they had to go to the bathroom, were hot or were thirsty. The children were ordered to stay outside and her brothers would complain to Tracy as if she could do anything about the situation. NM knew NF had a rule that the children were forbidden from touching the garden hose in the backyard, so they had no way to quench their thirst. Tracy and her brothers would have to urinate in the corner of the backyard and stay outside until NM opened the back door and allowed them inside.
NF told NM that if she had the kids outside and any of the children from the building came out, she should give them an ice cream treat. Fair enough, be nice to neighbor kids and give them treats that you give your children. NM would almost never give her own kids ice cream outside, but would listen for an increased noise level which would signal other children were outside. She then took the opportunity to put on a show as the benevolent mother figure and came out with ice cream treats for everyone. NPs will seize the opportunity of convenient small acts to show others how kind they are to their children.
One of the times Tracy directed Bill to empty his bladder in the corner of the yard, one of the neighbor girls looked out their window and told her parents he had his penis out. After NF heard about it he hit Bill multiple times as punishment and Tracy was blamed for allowing him to pee in the yard. NF must have said something to NM about leaving them unsupervised, considering he was the one who bore the brunt of any complaints. NM would refuse to associate with neighbors as much as possible, using NF as her front. After this event the children were put outside less frequently. In place of this NM would find the smallest excuse to punish them by frequently sitting them on chairs in front of the air conditioner unit in the dining room. She would stay in the living room, separated from them by the kitchen and the hallway. She intimidated them into staying in their spots as the cold air came down, only releasing them from this punishment shortly before NF came home from work. Again, none of the kids dared tell him what NM did to them while he wasn’t home.
When Tracy told me these stories, my first thought was that NM was treating her children like dogs who get put outside the house. Dogs may scratch at the back door, only to be rebuked by their owners and sent back out. NM also knew she had set up Tracy as a mother figure to her own brothers and knew that her sons would blame their sister as the immediate mother figure, being younger and not as understanding of the situation. Put simply, big sister[mother] couldn’t give them what they wanted or needed. This could have been a covert method of breaking any trust Tracy’s brothers had in her.
Doing this to your children is indisputably abusive. But what was NM doing during the time her children were either in a separate part of the apartment or outside? Over the preceding several years she had ballooned to around 300 pounds on a 5′ frame. She was likely sitting in the living room eating snacks, lunchmeat sandwiches and/or fast food she could have procured while her children were outside. Several fast food restaurants were within short walking distance of the apartment building. NM was also capable of drinking an entire 2-liter of Coca-Cola in a day. She was indulging her appetites while her children were unaware of the availability of these foods. In addition, she could have been watching something inappropriate for children or desiring total quiet to watch her soap operas. This selfishness and lack of care for children are extremely common amongst the NP population.
The Narcissistic Family Outsider 